Jest A Joke

Looking For Jokers

This blog is the collected humour from the streets of Kings Cross. We are looking for any Jokers with an interest in collecting and retelling jokes and humourous stories.It's easy to post them, and our readers would appreciate your joking around.

All readers are invited to tell their favourite jokes via the comment form at the bottom of each posting, to be published here in the comments section, and any cartoonists wishing to see their work published on this site, or on their own blog site please contact us via the 'Email Me' link.

The one about 3 Preachers...

Three preachers were on their way to a conference with their wive's when they had a car accident and they were all killed. They found themselves at the Pearly Gates and St Peter greeted them warmly.

Well, what do we have here," he said. "Three preachers and their wives? Well you must all be good people and I am sure you will all be inside enjoying yourselves in just a jiffy," he said, "but first I have to do the paperwork."

He called the first couple forward, and opened the big book. He looked down the entries with a smile on his face until he suddenly frowned.

"Oh,oh," he said, "it seems we have a problem."

"Whats the matter?" the first preacher asked, " I have always done good works, what could be wrong?"

"I know", said St Peter, " but the book also says that throughout your life you always lusted for money, so much so, that you never married until you found a woman named Penny."

The preacher admitted that it was true and left in shame.

The second couple came forward and St Peter again looked at the book, and again his smile turned to a frown. "It says here that  throughout your life you always lusted after  alcohol, so much so that you never married until you found a woman named Sherry," he said. The preacher admitted it was true and left in shame.

Before St Peter could ask him to come forward, the 3rd preacher turned to his wife and said "there's no point in hanging around here, Fanny"

One Night Recently...

After a long night of intercourse, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

CARTOON COMPETITION...

We need a Cartoon banner to head this page, and being prize-winning cheapskates we thought it would be funny to call it a competition, then laugh when you realise the prize is being seen by every one who looks at this page. We would also give up our place in the queue for you at the supermarket or bank. (See, we're really nice after all)

Build your fame with us! Be impressed by our audacity, actually have fun doing it! Impress your friends! Gain undying appreciation. Watch us beg and grovel on our knees in front of you. (conditions apply)

You might want your cartoons published on these pages, anything is possible with KingsCrossBlogs!Even your own free cartoon Blog.

Requirements, long and skinny, same size as the other arty headers on other Kings Cross Blogs. its actually 900 x 200 pixels.And it has to have the name The Joke's On Us on it

Entries can be submitted  via the 'Email Me' link on  this page. Entries close when we have a  great cartoon. You will know you won because we will rip it off straight away and have it on the site before you can blink. We love good old fashioned exploitation! :-)

Light Bulbs..

How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Definitely only one. (They don't like sharing the spotlight with anyone)

How many psychologists?
Only one, but it takes 20 sessions at 80 bucks a session.

Nuclear Physicists?
None. They're so bright they don't need the light bulb.

Politicians?
Only one, it only takes one to screw something up.

Artists?
100, one to change the bulb, and 99 to stand around being misunderstood.

Super Models?
Just one, she holds the bulb, and the whole world revolves around her.

(Finally a blonde joke that blondes can like)
Blondes?
Two, one to change the bulb, and the other to explain to all the brunettes what is going on.

Real men?
Real men don't need to change the bulb, they are not afraid of the dark.

Interior designers?
two, one to change the bulb, and one to choose the matching furniture, carpets and drapes.                        

Why is Chocolate better than Sex?

• No matter what you look like you can always get chocolate.
• You can talk about commitment, and the chocolate doesn't get worried.
• Chocolate doesn't complain when you need a bit in the middle of the night.
• Chocolate never gets a headache, nor is it ever too tired.
• You don't have to wait for everyone to go to sleep before having chocolate at your parents place.
• You can have chocolate on your desk at work without being frightened that the boss will catch you.
• If you get red blotchy marks after chocolate it's only pimples.
• You don't have to shower before or after chocolate.
• Your spouse won't mind you finding a new place to get chocolate.
• Even when its soft, chocolate is just as enjoyable.
• The wrapping looks just as good after chocolate, as before chocolate.
• You can have chocolate with someone without them going to sleep as soon as they are finished.

Computer jokes...

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Kim Beazley, Bill Gates, and Bob Brown were in an aeroplane that crashed.

When they arrived in heaven they found God sitting on his throne.

God talks to Bob Brown first. "Bob, what do you believe in?"

Bob replies, "I beleive that dams are evil, that pollution is killing us, and that we need to sign the Kyoto Accord."

God smiles and says, "I reckon you might be right. Come and sit at my left side."

God then addresses Kim Beazley. "Kim, what do you believe in?"

Kim replies, "Well, I beleive in a fair go. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, but that government needs to facilitate a fairer sharing of resources."

God thinks about that and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
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How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1.999967201633, but that's near enough for non-geeks.
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A Complete Guide To Computer Terms:

Disk - What slips in your back after slaving over the computer for 10 hours.

LapTop Computer: A device invented to force people to work at home, on holiday, and any other time that used to be called 'after work'.

502: The average IQ needed to understand your computer.

Chips: Standard geek nutritional supplement consumed because cooking keeps them away from their keyboards too long.

Crash: A normal computer response to any deadline or realisation that you haven't saved in the last hour.

Boot: What you would like to give Microsoft after the latest virus attack.

Service: What you used to get before computers enabled the manufacturers to out source tech departments to Indian or East Asian call centers.

Tab: What your friends have to pick up when they have a coffee with you because you're destitute after buying the latest software package.

State-Of-The-Art: Any computer you can't afford to buy.

Obsolete: Any computer you own or can afford to buy.

Nanosecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G4: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Nanosecond ago.'

Apple: All you can afford to eat after buying the latest G5 dual processor tower that made G4's obsolete a Nanosecond ago.

Cursor: What you become when your computer crashes, example: "You &#!?&%!! computer!"

Delete: What any major upgrade does to the one file you didn't back-up.

Programs: Things you once watched on television before getting hooked on your new computer.

Keyboard: The standard way to make computer errors and crashes.

Mouse: The advanced way to make computer errors and crashes.

IBM: A kind of missile you think of dropping on your computer when you can't figure out how to use a Program.

 

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hello, money is no object, now I want to buy a computer."

Hard Drive: Sales technique employed by computer salesmen, following a Syntax Error.

Floppy: Your wallet after a computer salesperson has used a Hard Drive.

Menu: A forgotten language after buying your computer because you can no longer afford to eat in a restaurant.

GUI: (pronounced 'gooey') What your keyboard becomes after spilling coffee on it.

Windows: The source of numerous viral infections after being screwed by Bill Gates.

Bug: What your eyes look like after seeing how many SPAM messages are in your inbox.

 

Viagra Jokes

Two 90-year-old men were talking about life, the universe and the weather. Being old things medical were hot topics. One said to the other that his Doctor had prescribed a new miracle drug called Viagra. The other man wanted to know what it was for.

The first man was enthusiastic. He said "It's the best drug I have ever taken. It's like the Fountain of Youth! It makes you feel 50 years younger."

"Can you get it over the counter?" asked his friend.

"Thats quite likely, especially if you took two pills," was the reply.

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Following a major Viagra shortage in Sydney, Qantas agreed to fly a special shipment in from 'The 'States'. Unfortunately the secret flight was reported in the papers and the shipment was hijacked shortly after leaving the terminal at Sydney Airport.

Police have issued warnings that they are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.

Drinking Jokes

A school science teacher decided to illustrate the evils of alcohol to a grade 6 class. On her desk she put a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. "Everyone watch the worms closely," she said as she put one of the worms into the water. The worm swam about, as worms do in water. She put the second worm into the glass of vodka, and it writhed painfully, and sank to the bottom, dead as dead could be. "What can we learn from this?" She asked the wide-eyed class. Young Will from Woolloomooloo piped up "Drink alcohol and you won't get worms!"

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A guy was drinking in the Goldfish Bar, and in walks a bloke carrying a tiny piano, he puts it on the bar and orders a drink. Curious the first bloke asks him what the toy piano is for, so the guy with the piano lifts his hat and a 12 inch man is revealed dressed in concert top hat and suit. He looks every bit a famous concert pianist, and to prove it he climbs down the blokes shoulder, down his arm, leaps onto the bar and starts to play wonderful music on the piano.

The barmaid comes over amazed, "Where did he come from?" she asks. "I have a genie in a bottle" the man says, and to prove it He pulls it out from his pocket. Naturally she begs to have a wish, and so she wishes for a million bucks.

Instantly the Goldfish Bar is filled with a million quacking ducks. The barmaid screams "what happened? I asked for a miilion bucks."

The bloke leans over to her and says "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you, the genie is a little hard of hearing, and gets things wrong sometimes, after all, you don't think I would have wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"

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A pig walks into the Empire and orders a beer and asks if he can use the toilet and the bartender says "sure, it's just over there."

A second pig walks into the Empire and orders a beer and asks if he can use the toilet and the bartender says "sure, it's just over there."

Then a third pig walks in and orders a beer. "I suppose you want to use the toilet?" asks the barman. "No," said the pig, "I'm the little pig that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home."

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Back at the Vegas a man is at the bar drinking beers on his own. First he looks inside his suit coat and then orders a beer, drinks it, looks in his coat and orders a beer. He does this five times in a row until the barmaid gets curious and asks him why the strange behaviour. "It's my way of knowing when to go home," he says.

"How can it do that?" she asked. "Well," he said, "I have a photo of my mother-in-law in the pocket, and when she starts looking good, then it's definitely time to go home."

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Back at the Empire a bloke was drinking, but he realised that he needed to go home when everytime he tried to stand up, he would fall flat on his face. So he crawled out the back door trying to sober up. After a while he tried to stand up again, but sure enough, he fell flat on his face. So knowing he couldn't go back into the bar in that condition, he started to crawl home. Every few metres he would try to stand up, but each time he would fall flat on his face.

He managed to get to his apartment building, into the lift, all the way to his door. Again he tried to stand up, and again he fell flat on his face. So he crawled to his bed, where one last time he tried to stand up, but this time he just fell onto the bed and immediately fell asleep.

The next morning his wife started giving him a hard time, "You were out drinking last night," she said, "and whats more you were making a fool of yourself again," she said.

"How would you know that?" he asked.

"The Empire rang first thing," she said, "you left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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Men And Women

A married couple were arguing over some trivial matter. Sounding frustrated the man said to his wife "I can't understand how you can be so beautiful and yet so stupid at the same time."

"Hah!" said the wife, "thats easy to explain. God's the cause. You see when he created me He made me beautiful so you would want to be with me, and He made me stupid so I would want to be with you."

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Another couple had taken a drive in the country, but still manged to have an argument while they drove. As they passed a farm the man noticed several farm animals, cows, sheep and goats.

"Relatives of yours?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "in-laws."

It's All In The Name

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? It seems many people mistakenly believe that I am not acquainted with the family. Just the other day in a disagreement someone said to me "you don't know Jack Schitt". The person seemed agitated when I tried to explain he is my father. Right at the beginning you see, I was a little Schitt.

Jack, my father was the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate was my grandfather, he married O Schitt, who owned  Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.  one of his biggest customers

In turn, my father Jack Schitt married my mother, Noe Schitt, and they produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and me. My name is Fulla.

Against our parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, my parents divorced. My mother later married my step father Bob Sherlock, and because us kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.

My sisters Holie and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout our childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

They had 3 children, Dawge, Byrde, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. You now have the full story, and after all, if this story isn't true my name wouldn't be Fulla Schitt.